The following correspondence between a parent of one of our girls who joined us in Sec 1, and a Parents@SNGS committee member provides much food for thought. Names have been removed to protect the privacy of the parties concerned.

Parent: “Just to share a thought with you. When I was speaking to fellow parents, some of them expressed their concern about their girls' behaviour in school. While we all know teenagers are difficult nowadays, the greatest concern I note is that the girls are not sharing or communicating with their parents. Personally, I have the same problem with my daughter. She is ok but chooses to tell me things that she wants to. This is one of the reasons that I volunteered as a class representative. I used to wonder what kind of girls are in St Nicholas, as I never had any problem when she was in primary school. She started to change in the second half of 1st year. Some of the parents are also very skeptical about the kind of girls in school especially where we cross over from other schools. Perhaps, you might want to bring this up in your next meeting with the Parents' support group.”

Parents@SNGS Committee Member: “Teenage years are difficult for both the teenagers and parents. Many of us parents are ill equipped to deal with this stage of our child's life. I always wished I had attended a parenting course before I became a parent. Our parents' ways don't always work and moreover we may not always agree with the old methods. In fact, I think as a teenager I didn't like the way my parents handled some situations.

When my eldest daughter entered St Nicholas in 2001, I remembered clearly that at the first Parents' Meeting of the year, Mrs Cheong the VP and another teacher shared with the then Sec 1 parents how our daughters' behaviour would change as they enter their teenage years. It was an enlightening session for me. We were told that the girls would become increasingly less communicative, a contrast from the child in primary school. Friends and schoolmates become more important in their lives and parents' views and opinions are often challenged although these were previously regarded as the sacred truth. Locking themselves in their rooms, monosyllabic answers, moodiness and the list goes on. Parents were encouraged to try and be friends and to keep communication channels open with our daughters. Parents were reminded that this is also the time when our daughters undergo physical and hormonal changes to their bodies and may experience pre-menstrual syndrome while coping with the demands of more subjects to study and greater CCA involvement.

Perhaps when our Sec 3 girls entered St Nicholas, the parents were not given the benefit of such a talk. However, I know that the current batch of Sec 1s have attended talks organised by our PSG's SFE (School Family Education) Committee to help them understand the changes and learn how to cope with these changes. The Sec 1 parents were also invited to a session when all 11 Sec 1 classes had concluded the talks.

I have 3 daughters and thankfully, I think I'm on the home run stretch with my no 1 and no 2. I think we understand each other better and they know where I'm coming from when I say "no" to certain requests. I am going through some of those "teenage years problems" with my youngest who is in Sec 2 and that's about the time when they change and try to assert themselves.

Like yours and half of the girls in St Nicholas, my daughters were from other primary schools. I believe that it is not the school that makes the girls bolder and less respectful in their behaviour towards parents. It's the teenage years. I take comfort in the moral values that the school tries to inculcate in the girls - gratitude and humility, sisterly love, lead and serve, dignity for all and others. Truancy is an increasing problem in many secondary schools but I believe it is not the case in St Nicholas. The girls are generally motivated in their studies and passionate about their CCAs. While the problem with the belt worn too low and socks disappearing into their shoes remains a constant thorn in our side, we are spared the problems of girl gangs. The school has tightened discipline especially with regards to punctuality. The school's preferred approach is often the soft one with counselling. When you visit the school, you are often greeted with bows from the girls, a refreshing change from the stares or indifferent looks one gets from students in some schools.

I think many parents do feel cut-off from our daughters' lives because there just isn't enough time to connect effectively. The girls get turned off the minute we ask them about test results or nag them about homework, coming home late or spending too much time on their CCA, on MSN or computer games. When they try and "chill" at home, we think they are neglecting their studies and we nag them some more while we mean well. With our wisdom borne of experience, we try and save them from the mistakes of leaving their studies to last minute. But first we need to open up communication channels with them beyond studies and grades. This becomes more crucial when they enter junior colleges/polytechnics. My eldest daughter told me of many sad cases of teenagers not on speaking terms with parents. Sad too is the increasing number of suicides among teenagers.

I'm glad you brought up this problem. I also volunteered to be a class rep last year in the hope of being connected with my second daughter and I can say it has helped. The bonus was meeting like-minded parents like yourself and others and being able to share problems. You have started a dialog with your class parents. This will certainly help them become more connected to their daughters, their teachers and school. Last year, my daughter's form teacher was very kind to update class parents on the class through group emails (set up by us class reps) and many parents were very appreciative of the open communication channels.

I will bring up the problem you raised to EXCO and perhaps, we could invite qualified speakers to enlighten secondary parents on "Parenting Teenagers". Thanks again for being such a committed class rep.”

Parent: “Thank you for your reply. It was very encouraging to know that this problem has been brought up before. Inviting a speaker to speak on this issue will be of great help and I am sure parents will support it….”