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Teens need relationship, Giving instructions to children and
When children resist instructions |
| Synopsis - As parents of teenagers or children on the verge of adolescence, many of us are often caught off-guard when our hitherto obedient and compliant child suddenly starts questioning our authority and answering back. Instructions which were previously accepted without question suddenly become the catalyst for an all out battle of words... and emotions. The first parenting tip helps us understand the importance of establishing a strong relationship between parent and child, and how that helps to lessen the incidence of conflicts. The second and third parenting tip follows up with practical ways on how instructions can be given with less resistance from our teenagers; and what can be done when teenagers resist instructions. The importance of effective communication, and how this can be done to elicit positive responses from our teenagers comes through very clearly from the real-life examples given in these parenting tips, something that I'm sure many of us can identify with. (These Parenting Tips are reproduced with permission from "The National Centre for Biblical Parenting". Interested parents can also visit the website at www.biblicalparenting.org and subscribe to this free service.) |
Teens Need Relationship (February 26, 2007)
Getting physically close to your child is important when giving instructions, especially with teenagers. Teens need relationship whether they'll admit it or not. In fact, the stronger the relationship, the less likely you'll get resistance. Sometimes young people resent having to share in the workload of running a household. You might hear them say something like, "My parents are always ordering me around. It's like I'm their slave." Of course that's not true, but when parents take time to show value for the relationship before giving instructions, they can build a greater sense of teamwork.
When teens can't see how instruction is related to relationship, they're more likely to justify unkind words or dishonoring actions when they don't like what you've told them to do. They don't understand that obedience is a demonstration of love. Getting physically close makes a statement about who we are together. Face-to-face contact says, "I care about you."
By affirming your relationship in the midst of the instruction, you teach your children an important lesson about the way God relates to us. Spirituality isn't just a list of do's and don'ts, but it comes within the confines of relationship. Alex, a father of three said it well, "I had a picture in my mind of a Father who yells instructions down from heaven. Distance and harshness characterized my view of God. It wasn't until I became a dad and I remembered how my parents treated me that I began to see the connection. I was viewing God from what I had learned in my family growing up. I work hard now to give instructions in a more relational manner. It's amazing how something as simple as giving and receiving instructions can give you a perspective of who God is and how he relates to us."
The Way You Give Instructions (March 1, 2007)
If you're experiencing resistance from your child when you give an instruction, you may find that using different words will bring a more positive response. Proverbs 15:1 says "a gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger." Look for ways to communicate that will encourage a positive response. We recommend that you make a statement about your goal or objective before you give the instruction. "Emily, I'm trying to get things cleaned up before Dad gets home. Would you please pick up your books, shoes, and backpack in the living room?" The statement before the instruction gives children a little more information and can help them feel they're part of a team. The older the child, the more the explanation is helpful, and not just for the purpose of showing value to the child. Older children are developing their own convictions and need to understand more reasons and guidelines behind rules and instructions. Andrew is seventeen now. He told us, "I appreciate the way my mom and dad have treated me these last few years. They don't just order me around like a little kid but they explain why they're asking me to do something. They allow me to disagree with them at times and I know I can discuss things with them whenever I want. Sometimes they ask me to submit even though we don't agree. The fact that they listen to me and talk about their convictions makes submitting easier to accept. I may do things differently when I'm a parent, but one thing I've decided is that I'm going to talk about instructions instead of demanding. When I'm at some of my friends' homes, I can't believe the way their parents treat them. It makes me grateful that my parents love me and show it even when they're asking me to do something."
When Children Resist Instructions (March 29, 2007)
When a child continually demonstrates resistance to instructions, then it's time to decide whether you need to emphasize relationship more or you need to discipline for a lack of responsiveness. Sometimes we take our children for granted, order them around, and don't appreciate them enough. The result is children who tend to resist instructions. If that's the case in your family then it's time to show more love and emphasize the value of your relationships together. On the other hand, some children resist instructions because of poor character. Training is work and some children need to learn how to demonstrate genuine responsiveness when someone wants to talk with them. If you ask your son to come help in the kitchen, and before you finish your instruction he's whining and complaining, then stop the process. You may have to postpone discipline for a time because you need to get the table set in order to stay on schedule, but don't just let it go. After dinner, talk to your son and confront him about his poor attitude. Explain the importance of cooperation and that you're going to have him help you with dinner every evening for a while. Increasing the workload to give more opportunity to practice may be just the constructive consequence needed to build a cooperative attitude. Kids want life to be easy. The reality is that life is hard. Cooperation is an essential character quality all children need and now's the time to teach it.
For more on how to build a good Instruction Routine with your children, consider the Parenting is Heart Work Training Manuals and CDs. Lesson One outlines a five step Instruction Routine and helps you know how to teach it.
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