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| Parenting Tips: A Demand, A Desire, and A Wish |
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Synopsis – Parents today are more affluent and are able to provide materially for their children. More often than not, children from dual income families are the beneficiaries of such material goods. More time spent at work however, may mean less time spent at home with the children, and sometimes, parents tend to over-compensate by being more lenient in terms of discipline and giving in too easily to their children’s demands. Many a time, children having had their way far too often are not able to graciously accept ‘No’ as an answer. They grumble and are demanding, showing their discontent with temper tantrums. Parents whose children have suffered some hardships are in a more difficult position. They are often caught in a dilemma – to give in to their demands and risk raising ill-behaved and selfish children, or suffer the guilt of not giving their children what they want to make up for the trauma that they had gone through. The first parenting tip advises on the importance of differentiating between a demand, desire and a wish in children’s responses when parents give a ‘no’ answer. It tells us that teaching children to accept a ‘no’ answer graciously is also teaching them to be contented with what they have; and to be contented is the first step to achieving peace in their lives. The second parenting tip reveals the trap parents often fall into when they use leniency to compensate for the pain their children have experienced, such as a major illness or parental divorce. This guilt trap often results in demanding and selfish children. This parenting tip also offers some key principles by which parents can abide in moments when they are overcome by the guilt trap. (These Parenting Tips are reproduced with permission from "The National Centre for Biblical Parenting". Interested parents can also visit the website at www.biblicalparenting.org and subscribe to this free service.)
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A Demand, A Desire, and A Wish
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Children develop typical responses when parents give a no answer. The three-year-old bursts into tears because he can't have candy in the store. The ten-year-old says, "Fine!" and huffs off to the other room when her mom says "no" to more computer time. The fifteen-year-old starts yelling at his mom because she won't drive him to his friend's house. Each of these situations provides an opportunity to teach contentment.
One dad said it this way, "I taught my twelve-year-old son the difference between a demand, a desire, and a wish. When he comes down to dinner and sees spaghetti, he might express a wish saying, 'I wish there were meatballs in this sauce.' Or, he might come down and say, 'I want meatballs in my spaghetti sauce.' That's a 'desire' response, stronger than a wish. But when he comes down and says, 'I'm not eating that spaghetti without meatballs,' and then makes unkind statements to his mother, he's moved to demandingness. This distinction has helped my son because now he tries to move demands back to desires or wishes."
One of the signs of spiritual maturity is that a person exchanges demandingness for contentment. Paul said in Philippians 4:11 that contentment didn't automatically appear but it was something he learned, " I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances." Contentment is being grateful for what you have instead of grumbling about what you don't have. It's a spiritual quality that adds peace and joy to our lives without feeling that we need something more.
As with many spiritual qualities, contentment is learned at home. Children are often tempted to be demanding with parents and others. When we, as parents, teach our children to accept a no answer graciously, then we are moving them toward contentment. This doesn't mean that your children need to release any sense of ambition in life. It does mean that as they work toward a goal, they maintain an internal peace and the ability to accept limitations and value relationships in the process.
To learn more about developing contentment in children, read Chapter 5 in the book:
"Good and Angry: Exchanging Frustration for Character in You and Your Kids."
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The Guilt Trap |
Some parents look at the pain their children have already experienced in life and then use leniency to try to compensate. The leniency then often results in demandingness and poor character in their children.
Children who have suffered through divorce, death of a family member, or have had a major illness need extra care and love but they don't need parents to just give in. These parents end up with kids who have two problems: they are hurt and they lack character. Because you love your children you may feel like you want to spare them any more pain so you hesitate to confront, correct, set limits, or discipline. This can be counter-productive. Instead, increase the love while continuing the firmness your child needs.
When you hear those words in your head, "she's already been through so much. . ." then it's time to step back and evaluate the situation and what you're teaching about life. One helpful solution is to develop a philosophy of discipline. Actually write out some key principles that will carry you through when you feel weak:
A. We all must learn to live within limits.
B. Unfairness is inevitable in life so our response to it is more important than balancing the scales.
C. Character is important and is often learned through difficulties.
D. Trials and problems can bring out the best in people.
Children who have struggles in life not only need heavier doses of love, but they often need heavier doses of firmness too in order to overcome a tendency toward self pity, demandingness, or selfishness. Lovingly guide your children to gain the most from their struggles and develop the character they need to be successful in life.
The tip for today was taken from the CD series called Single Parenting: Bringing hope and practical help to single, blended, and reconstructed families by Dr. Scott Turansky and Joanne Miller, RN, BSN. |
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